Curling for Dummies

(Dummy does not make reference to the players)

Curling like a many winter “sports” appears on our consciousness every four years at the Winter Olympics. But what the hell is going on and what’s with all that sweeping?

Curling is what happens when Canada invents a sport during a snow day.

It’s basically chess on ice, but instead of moving knights and bishops, you aggressively slide a 40-pound granite rock and then frantically sweep the floor like guests are five minutes away and your floor is a mess.

Actually, curling began in 16th-century Scotland, where people slid stones across frozen lochs during the winter.

Why Scotland?

Well their winters were cold and there wasn’t much else to do. Cold winters meant frozen ponds. And there were lots of smooth stones from riverbeds that were easy to slide across ice. Scottish immigrants carried curling to Canada, where it exploded in popularity.

The name curling comes from the way the stone curls (curves) as it slides across the ice. It might also come from the Scots verb “curr” or “curl,” meaning to roar or rumble—a reference to the sound the stone makes as it travels over the ice.

So this how it’s played. Two players gently shove what looks like a fancy teapot without a handle down a frozen lane. Then their teammates go into full panic mode, sprinting alongside the rock and scrubbing the ice with brooms as if their lives depended on it. The sweeping doesn’t clean anything — it actually makes the stone go farther and straighter. So yes, this is a sport where aggressive mopping is a competitive advantage.

Meanwhile, the skip (team captain) stands at the far end of the ice pointing dramatically and shouting things like:

• “HARD!”

• “SWEEP!”

• “WHOAAA!”

• “YEP”

It sounds urgent, but somehow still extremely Canadian.

Points are scored by getting your rock closest to the “house,” which is not a house at all, but a colorful bullseye that looks a little like the Target logo. Each team throws 8 stones per end (an “end” is like an inning in baseball). After all 16 stones are thrown, the scoring happens. How it works is that you get 1 point for each of your stones that is closer to the center than your opponent’s closest stone.

I haven’t got to the officiating yet.

It’s one of the few sports where players are expected to call their own minor rule violations. Crazy, huh?

Curling has a long tradition of “The Spirit of Curling,” which emphasizes integrity. Players are expected to admit if they touched a moving stone (also known as the Canadian finger) and call their own hog line violations.

Wait. I forgot the most important part of the game. Losers buy the winners beer.